The Snape Show
by Goodnight Goodnight
Summary: WWWWWEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Ummm... sorry, my mouse has a scrolly thing... WWWEEEEEEEEEEE!!! *chapter 3 now up!!!* Snape hosts a show... Thanks for all the reviews so far!!!
1. The Snape Show Episode 1 aka Fred Goes C...

The Snape Show (In Which X Is A Variable That Equals 4[Hahaha{Hehehe}])  
  
A/N: Ermmm. Yeah. Ummmmmm. Yeah. Okay. Errrrr. Ummm.. Hi? Oh, wait. What was I going to say? Help!!!!!! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Snape: Dun-dun-dun. Welcome to The Snape Show, the really great Snape Show, Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!!! Thank you, thank you very much!  
  
Audience: ...... o.o ...  
  
Snape: **glares**  
  
Audience: ....... O.O .....  
  
Snape: humph.  
  
Audience: ...... :O ......  
  
Camera Person: We'll be back after a message from our sponsors!  
  
Commercial Person: Have you ever wondered exactly what X stood for? Were you tormented in school with hopelessly pointless math problems? Relax! There's still hope! **switches to picture of long, complicated math problem** Do you wish you had a better job, but can't do the math to get one? Never fear! SUPRA X® is here! With one simple spray, all your problems will be solved! **shows that the answer is X=4** Buy SUPRA X® today!  
  
Camera Person (who is also the narrator): Now back to our show!  
  
Snape: All right! In case you do not know the rules to this, let me explain. First, your mind will be tested with hard questions. Next, your body will be tested with an obstacle course. Finally, your endurance will be tested with five pointless, stupid and very annoying questions! If you can survive you will win 1,000 dollars!  
  
Audience: Oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.  
  
Snape: All right! Our contestant is: Fred Weasley!!!!! (or so he thought[dun-dun-dun!!!])  
  
Audience: Oooooooooohhhhhhhh. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah.  
  
Fred: Thank you, thank you very much!  
  
Camera Person: We'll be back after a short message from our sponsors.  
  
Different Commercial Person: Are cell phones harmful to you? Find out on the next News At 11:01!!!  
  
Another Different Commercial Person: Everyone loves to talk, and what better way then to get a cell phone? Buy one today at SUPRA C-PHONES®! (A/N: This once happened to me. it was scary. o.o)  
  
Camera Person: Now back to our show!  
  
Snape: Now Fred, first you will have three hard questions.  
  
Fred: ..... X-P .....  
  
Snape: All right.. First, what does gillyweed do?  
  
Fred: Oh! I know this one!  
  
Audience: Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh.  
  
Fred: **glares** It lets you breathe underwater.  
  
Snape: Yup. Next, How do you a) make light and b) put it out?  
  
Fred: Easy! a) Lumos and b) Nox!  
  
Snape: Humph. The last is name three magical creatures that live underwater.  
  
Fred: Errrrrrrrrr. Ummmm, mermaid. kelpie. and. errrrrrr. does giant squid count???  
  
Snape: **checks over list of answers** Yes! You got them right!!!!  
  
Fred: Phew!  
  
Snape: Next we will have the obstacle course! But first.  
  
Camera Director: .a short message from our sponsors!  
  
Commercial Person: Beep.  
  
Camera Director: Now back to our show!  
  
Audience: o.O  
  
Camera Director: What, I did say short!  
  
Snape: Now, the obstacle course!  
  
**The camera turns to a large open area where a bunch of things are set up.**  
  
Snape: First, Fred will have to jump through tires.Then he will have to wade through deep squishy mud and then crawl under a wire barricade. Finally he will jump through more tires and have to go over a wall! All in under 2 minutes!!! Will he make it???  
  
Audience: Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.  
  
Fred: **gulp** "O_O  
  
Snape: Ready. GOOO!!!!!!!  
  
**Fred runs through the tires (21 seconds) wades through the mud (19 seconds) under the wire (35 seconds) through more tires (18 seconds) and over the wall (24 seconds)**  
  
Snape: **clicks a timer** You won't believe this, but he made it!  
  
Audience: Wow.  
  
Fred: **looks down at his mud-covered pants** Yay. :-/  
  
Snape: Now, it's the last round!  
  
Camera Director: But first let's have a short message from our sponsors.  
  
Audience: o_O  
  
Commercial Person: The Quidditch season has started! Get tickets now at www.supratickets.com or at Supra Ticket Master!!!  
  
Another Commercial Person: Come to Angel's Accessories for all your cosmetic needs!  
  
Camera Director: Now back to our show!  
  
Snape: Okay, the final round! In case you forgot, this is the round where he gets tormented by completely pointless questions!  
  
Fred: Urgh.  
  
Audience: Emmmmm.  
  
Snape: Number one! Are you ready?  
  
Fred: I thought I was insane. **shakes head**  
  
Snape: What is 1 times 2 plus 3 minus 4 divided by six times X times X times X times X times X times X divided by 82? (In which X is a variable that equals 4)  
  
Fred: Errrrrrrrrr.  
  
Commercial Person: You need SUPRA X®!!! **hands can to Fred**  
  
Fred: Phew. **sprays on piece of paper he had written the problem on** The answer is.  
  
Snape: Wait wait wait! That's cheating! Now you'll have to have an extra question!  
  
Fred: Awwwwwwww.  
  
Snape: Okay. What's the name of my sister-in-law's second cousin twice removed's cat's kitten?  
  
Fred: Ummmmmmmmmmmm.  
  
Snape: Correct!!!  
  
Fred: Huh?????  
  
Snape: Next one! What is 5 minus 5?  
  
Fred: Zero, of course!  
  
Snape: YYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! They remembered, yesterday's Monday which isn't same night! (A/N: If you can figure that out you win 1,000 dollars)  
  
Fred: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! The insanity! It's consuming me!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
  
Audience: o_O"  
  
Snape: Poor kid, it finally got to him. Well, we'll see you next time on The Snape Show!!!  
  
A/N: It finally got to me. I HAD to do a gameshow. the VKAWGAQW's were really fun. You can read them if you want, and add them, or just me to your favortes list. **looks around hopefully** 


	2. The Snape Show Episode 2 aka Ginny Has A...

The Snape Show+2=(Insanity*2)  
  
Disclaimer: Everyone has one, I thought I'd put one. I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own Furbies. I do not own this computer I am typing on. I do not own a television. I do not own a dictionary. I do not own the goldfish song. I do not own those cool faces you make on the computer. I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Snape: Dun-dun-dun. Welcome to The Snape Show, the really great Snape Show, Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!!! (A/N: Sing to the tune of the goldfish song. If you don't know it, go learn it. NOW!!! OR ELSE!!!)  
  
Audience: **whispers** Not again. o.O  
  
Snape: -_-;;  
  
Audience: -_-;;  
  
Snape: XP  
  
Audience: O.O;;  
  
Snape: :D  
  
Audience: :D  
  
Snape: O.O  
  
Audience: -.-;;  
  
Snape: Wait! Not again! NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Audience: o.O;;  
  
(A/N: hehehe. I just learned the ;; as sweatdrops.  
  
Snape: EEEYYYYYAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Camera Director: We'll be back after a short message from our sponsors.  
  
Commercial Person: Have you ever wondered exactly what X stood for? Were you tormented in school with hopelessly pointless math problems? Relax! There's still hope! **switches to picture of long, complicated math problem** Do you wish you had a better job, but can't do the math to get one? Never fear! SUPRA X® is here! With one simple spray, all your problems will be solved! **shows that the answer is X=4** Buy SUPRA X® today!  
  
Camera Director: Now back to our show!  
  
Snape: o.O;; **shuffles cards in his hand nervously** Audience: **whispers** Come on!  
  
Snape: Errm. Let's see. Errrrrrrrr. Um.. Our contestant for today is. **looks around nervously** I think it's Harry Potter.  
  
Draco Malfoy: Excuse me! He's dead! (A/N: Read my other fics) Wait a minute. You're dead too! And so am I! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Snape: No! Wait! We're all in wizard heaven!!!  
  
God/Buddha/Other Stuff I Can't Remember- You are enlightened.  
  
Audience o.O;; -_-;; -.-;;  
  
Snape: Errr. Thanks, I guess.  
  
G/B/OSICR: You're welcome. **flies away on winged horse then falls off and says "I'm okay," before getting back on again and then realizing that he has his own wings and using those because this is supposed to be heaven and the winged pony probabaly wasn't very happy**  
  
Winged Pony: I was perfectly happy! My life had never been better! Except for the time when. Well, that's personal.  
  
Snape: Well. okay. -.-;;  
  
Ginny Weasley: **whisper-shout** Introduce me, will you?!?!  
  
Snape: Oh yes!! Our contestant for today is Ginny Weasley!!!!!  
  
Ginny: Yay!  
  
Audience: o.O;;  
  
Ginny: :P  
  
Snape: First we'll have the rules. I will ask you three hard questions, then you'll go through an obstacle course, and finally three pointless questions. There will be no using SUPRA X® or anything like it. At the end there will be a bonus question. Got it?  
  
Ginny: Yep!!! :D  
  
Camera Director: We'll be back after a short message from our sponsors.  
  
Commercial Person: Buy Furbies! They're really cute!  
  
Commercial Person: Buy Baby Furbies! They're even cuter than regular ones!  
  
Commercial Person: Buy Old Furbies! They're. weird.  
  
Camera Director: Now back to our show!  
  
Snape: Your first question is. What is the muggle word for the thing they use to light and give power to their houses?  
  
Ginny: Oh! Is it. electricity?  
  
Snape: Correct! Number two! Name one charm.  
  
Ginny: Hmmmm. Wingardium Leviosa?  
  
Snape: That's right. Now, the last question! How do you kill devil's snare? (A/N: It think that's what it is.)  
  
Ginny: With light?  
  
Snape: Correct!!!!!!!  
  
Ginny: Yes!  
  
Snape: Now, the obstacle course! First, you will go through tires, then through mud, then under wire, then through more tires and finally over a wall! Can you do it?  
  
Ginny: I hope so.  
  
Snape: You will have to do it in under two minutes! Are you ready?  
  
Ginny: **gets ready to run**  
  
Snape: Go!  
  
Ginny: **runs through tires (20 seconds), through the mud (14 seconds), under the wire (36 seconds), through more tires (19 seconds) and over the wall (40 seconds)**  
  
Snape: Oh. that was very close.  
  
Ginny: Did I make it??? :-(  
  
Snape: o.o;; Yes! You made it!  
  
Ginny: YYYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!  
  
Snape: Now you will have to answer three pointless, stupid questions!  
  
Ginny: **gulps** Okay.  
  
Snape: Number one! How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?  
  
Ginny: Errrrrr. 1,917? (A/N: That was the line number and column number I was on! :D)  
  
Snape: How did you know?  
  
Ginny: I guessed.  
  
Camera Director: We'll be back after a short message from our sponsors.  
  
Commercial Person: Fluufy scarfs are the new fad! Buy yours today at www.fluffiscool.com/scarfs or call 1-800-555-FLUFFY!!!  
  
Camera Director: Now back to our show!  
  
Snape: The second question! Sally sells seashells by the seashore. How many seashells does Sally sell?  
  
Ginny: 44. (A/N: The line number plus the column number! :D)  
  
Snape: How did you know?  
  
Ginny: Sally is my cousin.  
  
Snape: **mutters to himself** The last one!  
  
Audience: OOOOOHHHHHHH. AAAAAHHHHHH.  
  
Snape: -_- What does this mean? They remembered, tommorrow isn't Monday which isn't same night!  
  
Ginny: AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Snape: Can't anyone figure that out?!?!  
  
Ginny: EEYYYYYAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
  
Snape: The answer is. You forgot, today is Friday which is opposite day!  
  
Ginny: o.O;;  
  
Snape: ^_^  
  
Ginny: **tackles him**  
  
Snape: SECURITY!!!  
  
Security: **takes Ginny away to prison**  
  
Snape: Glad that's over. Well, we'll see you next time!!!  
  
A/N: Did you like it? I'm just gonna keep on adding episodes until I'm tired of it! 


	3. The Snape Show Episode 3 aka Grrrr Spoil...

The Snape Show, Episode Three  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. I do not own computer faces. I do not own furbies. I do not own Goldfish. I DO own this idea.  
  
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews so far!  
  
Snape: Dun-dun-dun. Welcome to The Snape Show, the really great Snape Show, The snack that smiles back, Goldfish! Errr. I mean, Dun-dun-dun. Welcome to The Snape Show, the really great Snape Show, Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!!! Sorry 'bout that!  
  
Audience:**sighs** He needs a better theme song.  
  
Snape: :-P Today's contestant is. DRACO MALFOY!!!!! **cheers**  
  
Draco: Thank you, thank you very much!!!  
  
Audience: Yay.  
  
Draco: -.-;;  
  
Snape: In case you forgot, or this is your first time watching this show, which would be really stupid because this is the greatest show in the world, and this is turning into one heck of a run-on sentence, here are the rules!!!!! You will first be asked three hard questions to see if you are smart, then you will go through an obstacle course, and finally you will be asked three completely and totally insane questions! Got it?  
  
Draco: Yep!!!!  
  
Snape: Okay then, let's get started.  
  
Camera Director: After a short message from our sponsors!  
  
Commercial Person: Have you ever wondered exactly what X stood for? Were you tormented in school with hopelessly pointless math problems? Relax! There's still hope! **switches to picture of long, complicated math problem** Do you wish you had a better job, but can't do the math to get one? Never fear! SUPRA X® is here! With one simple spray, all your problems will be solved! **shows that the answer is X=4** Buy SUPRA X® today!  
  
Camera Director: Thank you for that message! Now back to our show!  
  
Snape: Now, first you have to answer three hard questions. Are you ready?! Draco: Yeah!  
  
Snape: Good kid. Now, the first one is what can defeat a basilisk?  
  
Draco: Hmmm. A rooster's call?  
  
Snape: That's correct! You're brilliant, just brilliant!!! Now, it's the second question! Name one of the three Unforgivable Curses.  
  
Draco: Avada Kedavra!!!  
  
Snape: Amazing! Isn't he a genius???  
  
Draco: ^-^ Autographs in the lobby!  
  
Snape: o.O. Erm. Okay. So, you third question is name one of the other two Unforgivable Curses!!!  
  
Draco: The Cruciatus Curse!!!  
  
Snape: AMAZING!!! JUST AMAZING!!! Harry Potter would never have gotten those right.  
  
Harry: Hey! HEY!!!!  
  
Snape: SECURITY!!!  
  
Harry: What? Wait! No! NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
Snape: Bu-bye.  
  
Harry: EEEYYYYAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Camera Director: We'll be back after a short message from our sponsors.  
  
Commercial Person: Goldfish, the snack that smile back, until you bite their heads off, the snacks that smile back, GOLDFISH!!!  
  
Camera Director: Now back to our show!  
  
Snape: Now it's the obstacle course! You will have two. errr, I mean 22 minutes to go through these: tires and monkey bars!  
  
Draco: ·.· Umm. Isn't it normally.  
  
Snape: Shhhhhh!!! Draco: Ohhh. ^-^  
  
Ginny: Hey! That's not.  
  
Snape: SECURITY!!!  
  
Ginny: **looks around** They're still busy with Harry! ^-^  
  
Snape: FURBINUNI!!!  
  
Ginny: **turns into a furby** Cock-a-doodle-do!!!  
  
Snape: *.* Errr. So, anyhow, you will have 22 minutes to go through those two obstacles! Are you ready?!?!  
  
Draco: Yeah!!!  
  
Snape: GOOO!!!  
  
Draco: **jumps through two tires (4 seconds) and swings across 3 monkey bars (7 seconds)**  
  
Snape: He made it! Not only is he brilliant, but he's athletic too!!!  
  
Draco: I don't have a girlfriend yet. ^.^  
  
Snape: *.* Ermm. So, next are the three completely and totally insane questions!!!  
  
Draco: All right!!!  
  
Snape: Number one: If today is Monday and yesterday was Tuesday, what is 5+7?  
  
Draco: Errrrmmm. 12?  
  
Snape: CORRECT!! Isn't he amazing?  
  
Draco: *.* ^_^  
  
Snape: Number two!!! What is the amount of crows in a tree that is 400 by 300 feet wide and 500 by 200 feet tall?  
  
Draco: Errrrrrrrr. 5,678?  
  
Snape: Ermmm. **looks at card where the answer is 3 then grabs a pen and scribbles that out then puts 5,678** YES!!! You got it!!!  
  
Draco: Yay!!!!  
  
Snape: Only one more!!! Can he do it? CAN HE DO IT???  
  
Draco: Yes.  
  
Snape: That was a retorical question. But anyhow, the last question is. If 5+5 equals 0, then what does 3+4-6/5 equal?  
  
Draco: Ermmm. Wat, that's not so hard! **does math in head** 25!!!!!  
  
Snape: CCCCCCCOOOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEECCCCCCTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!! HE'S AMAZING!!! He's won 1,000 dollars, which he might want to share with a favorite Professor who helped him to win the money. ^-^  
  
Draco: Yay! 1,000 dollars! Wait. Why are we saying dollars? I mean GALLEONS!!!  
  
Snape: Oh yeah, galleons of course! Well, we'll see you next time!  
  
A/N: Ahhh, Furbies. Ahhhhh, Goldfish. :D How did you like it? If you wanna tell me, click on the little review button. it won't bite!!! 


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